About
Read our story at prevention.com!
In 2011, I joined the growing and oft-maligned ranks of online writers known as the “mommy bloggers” with my particular offering: grayhairedmom.com. Why, you may ask, did I become a blogger? Even more, you may be wondering, what gave me the gray hair, and why would anyone be interested?
Obviously, first things first, before becoming a mommy blogger, I had to become a mommy. Never one to rush into things, I was 51 when I had my first (and only) child. Becoming a “late life” mom isn’t that easy and help was needed. First, we had to find a doctor who would actually treat us. My (then) boyfriend and I were, at 48, well past the “cut-off age” of 42 imposed by most In Vitro Fertilization clinics. Only one, CWRC, offered a ray of hope: donor egg IVF. Over the next two years, I endured pretesting to determine my general health, nearly 40 blood draws to track my hormone levels, and countless gynecological exams and procedures to qualify. Meanwhile, my husband deposited a sperm sample in a cup. (Not that I’m bitter.)
After nearly two years of tests and retests, battles with my insurance company, and struggles to somehow come up with the 30K needed to pay for the treatment, we were ready for the next step: choosing an egg donor. CWRC has a pool of hundreds of healthy women in their 20s who give the gift of hope to infertile women every day, and yet none of them ever knows the result. The donors and patients at our clinic are anonymous, so the social workers and doctors use a list of our physical and social characteristics and requirements to match us. We heard about our donor’s medical history and background before making our decision. She was told nothing about us, and further, neither she nor we will ever be able to identify each other. No records are kept after treatment is complete.
Using different doctors to keep our anonymity, the donor and I began the process of synching our cycles, which consists of about 40 days of hormone injections, pills, daily visits to the clinic for blood tests and pelvic exams, and finally the actual harvesting of the donor’s eggs for fertilization. My husband deposited sperm in a cup. (Again with the bitter?)
To complicate matters, our first two donors failed to produce the minimum number of eggs, so we had to start all over again by choosing a new donor. But, the third time proved a charm for us, and finally after nearly 2 years, the embryo transfer day arrived!
Ten days later, I knew I was pregnant!
We waited until I was 9 weeks along to tell family and friends, whose reactions ranged from disbelief to utter joy. I found one the best high-risk OBs in the country, Dr. Kirsten Cleary, and had a remarkably easy pregnancy. In June, 2011, at 9:07 am, into this world came our darling boy.
I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom for as long as we could afford it, which meant subletting our very tiny, very expensive apartment in Manhattan and moving back to my hometown. It’s a beautiful setting on a lake, but resulted in my husband’s having a brutal daily commute. He would get home each night with barely enough energy left to eat, be with the baby for a few minutes, and collapse into bed. For me, after a few weeks of full-time motherhood, I felt isolated and lonely. I knew I needed an outlet.
Blogging seemed to be the perfect answer. I’ve made a living as a technical writer, and I always wanted to try my hand at other types of writing. I just never thought I had anything original to contribute to the so-called blogosphere, which granted, doesn’t stop a lot of people or me, apparently. But, I wanted to document as much of the journey to parenthood as I could, not only for others who might be struggling with infertility, but also for my son, who may one day want to know more about me, us, and the journey that brought him into our lives. Of course, there’s also every blogger’s dream: someone will read my blog, offer me a book deal, and rescue me from ever having to return to the dreaded corporate cubicle. Or, dare I even dream it, Grayhairedmom.com the Musical….The Tony Awards…Neil Patrick Harris….ahhhhhh.
I wasn’t even sure if I’d make my blog public when I started. I thought of it at first as a way to keep my friends and family in the loop. But my husband, who is a journalist and the author of several books, encouraged me to tell our story in a more public forum. Our dear friend, Christine Hepner, is a graphic artist and designed such a cute logo that I just had to let the “world” see it.
And so, here we are 2 years, 631 followers, and 103 posts later. I’ve learned how to use WordPress.com to create my blog. I’ve registered my domain name, printed business cards and pens, and marketed my blog in forums and mommy-blogging sites. Is it successful? Financially, maybe not. My display ads earned me $16.61 in 2012. Then again, I’ve heard from a few women who found my site and were encouraged not to give up on motherhood quite yet. Two couples have even made appointments at the clinic we used.
When I hear the best news of all from one of my readers, that’s when I’ll know it’s a true success.
© Copyright 2013 grayhairedmom.com
I am having a hard time finding a clinic that will help me at age 51. Can anyone help me with where to go?
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Where do you live Cheryl? Do you have insurance? Although most insurance companies don’t cover IVF, they might cover the lead up exams and can recommend in-networks doctors who will work with you. Best of luck!
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I live in Minnesota. Most of the doctors here will not work with you.I am will to go almost any where.
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From what I understand, if you contact a clinic in a large city, like the clinic we used at Center for Women’s Reproductive Care at Columbia in NYC, the doctors there will work with a doctor local to you to follow the plan up to the days you’d need to come to NYC for the actual embryo transfer. It’s worth a call to the egg donor coordinator at CWRC. (646) 756-8282. Good luck and keep us posted!
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Thanks for sharing-
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thank you!
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Read your blog and your story in Prevention.
You have a beautiful family thanks for sharing your story. My husband and I met very late in life. It is a first marriage for both of us, and neither of us had children. We started trying when I was 48. We have had three donor egg pregnancies. One miscarriage, a stillborn baby boy (growth restricted) and a premature baby girl (also growth restricted) who only lived for six months. We had four failed embryo transfers in 2017. Last month, I went to a new doctor to have two very small adhesions removed. After surgery, he told me that I had a subtle septum defect and that he had removed the septum. Septums are known to cause growth restriction. I have another transfer scheduled for Dec 6. I am hopeful that this time will be different. I will be 56 in December. Both my husband and I really want this. He is 58. I have wanted this all my life and have no doubts. I am a strong willed person, and I am not influenced by what others think, but I am really irritated by the negativity of some friends and family, as well as some of the BS I’ve had to listen to from some doctors who don’t thing I should be doing this at my age. That is why it is so good to hear positive stories like yours.
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Best to you and your husband! Please let me know how it worked out!
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Beautiful story, wishing you all the best. A blessing on so many levels – to you, your husband, and your son. May future hold more amazing and wonderful things for you and your family, day in and day out.
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I love it. I am 58 and a new mother of 3 children. Twin girls who are soon to be 5 and a 9 year old son.
My husband and I never had children. So this is a huge – new adventure for us.
These children are our great nieces and nephew who lost both parents over the last 4 years.
Our adoption was finalized in October of 2017.
It all seems so surreal!!!!! So many changes on so many levels!!!
I am a RN and still work full time.
Would love to hear from women with similar experiences.
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Congratulations from Kazakhstan. May your child grow good, healthy and smart human being.
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How sweet! Happy New Year to you!
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I saw your article on MSN and thought I should comment. My wife and I also had our daughter at age 50 and 46 for myself. She is 5 now and we are all doing very well. We get the occasional grand parent comment from strangers, but we have also made many new friends through her extra curricular activities and have never felt uncomfortable. We also have a very strong family support group of younger siblings with children and our own parents who are active grand parents. We do worry about her upcoming teenage years and as a young adult but hope our family support and the provisions we’ve established as well as our commitment to a heathlier lifestyle and faith will see her through to a happy productive adult.
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. At 46, there are parts of your story that parallel my own experience. Your story simply encourages me.
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thank you Gigi!
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My mother and father both were 45 when I was born. My father died at age 52 and my mother was very lonely after he died because it was very unusual in her peer group to be a widow. I loved my mother very much and she was a good mother, however, my friends often thought she was my grandmother and she didn’t do things my peer’s moms did (athletic things) and I’m ashamed to admit it but I was often embarrassed when my friends thought my mother was my grandmother or saw her vacuuming in a skirt instead of jeans (I am 62 now so she was from a very different generation than my friend’s moms were.) My friend’s often bragged if they had the youngest mother and this made me sad and made me feel different which, of course, when you are a child makes you feel uncomfortable. I’m not sure why I am telling you this; maybe because I just want you to be aware that the fact that you are an older mother may be difficult for your child although I think it is much more common now for women to wait longer to have children so maybe it is not so much of an issue anymore.
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Thanks for your insights.
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I’m so happy for you and your husband. Hes a beautiful little boy! Read about you in Prevention. What a wonderful story, thanks for sharing, you made my day!!
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Hello! I stumbled across your article today mentiond on an MSN website and I was thrilled! I hung on every word like a starving waif staring at a Golden Corral buffet. Your words spoke my reality and hopefully my eventual truth. I am 50 years old (I must admit I have to take a gulp before I attach that half of a century number to my bodily age) and I am going to go through the IVF process in the next few months. I tried conventional IVF in the years prior and alas — will be using donor eggs like you did. I pray pray pray that I love my baby with abandon and feel no sadness at the loss of my biology in the process. Did you have any struggles bonding with your son due to this part of your journey? Lastly – I take comfort in your success and have come to realize in my ‘old age’ that my life’s journey is mine alone and there isn’t a living being on the planet that should influence how my story plays out. I hope others contemplating later life ivf listen to their own voice and make their dreams their reality.
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I’ve never had a single moment of thinking he is anything other than mine in every way! Fear not! I don’t have the words for how much you’ll love your baby and how little DNA will matter! Good luck! Please keep me posted!
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Hello! An Amazing story! So glad you got your baby and happy to read you are enjoying the ups and downs of parenthood. I am 44 and pursuing embryo adoption but was a bit unsure until I read your article just now. I may press the submit button tomorrow and start the process…….I’m unsure about the stability of my uterus as the last transfer the embryo took but never materialized into the next stages. I was heartbroken in late 2014 and so was my family. I want to try again. The cost is less with embryo adoption versus domestic infant adoption. 16k versus 30.
from Wisconsin with love and thanks for sharing your heart! Your son is a cutie and you look amazing!!!! xoxxo
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All best wishes for you! Please keep me updated!
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Hi Sally! I stumbled across a copy of your Prevention article while surfing MSN’s homepage – I saw your name and made the connection! Congratulations on your success and to your beautiful family! I am an older mommy and love every minute of it. I spent every summer in Shahola (Twin Lakes) and remember you and your family fondly – my aunt and uncle (Tom and Carol Smart) lived down the road from you – such a small world! I remember many summers spent with your sister – great times! Good luck to you! – Cynthia Deakyne
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Wow! What a small world! My mother did keep in touch with Carol Smart for a long time, sporadically. I remember the Smart family fondly! They gave me my first babysitting gig! Marikate still lives near Shohola. Email me directly at grayhairedmom@gmail.com
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This may not exactly fit to your blog but
I am a single mom who adopted a baby from China when I was 47. I did not have the experience of pregnancy
But my daughter I feel was born
From my heart.
I have always been the oldest mom
In her schools
And yes have been addressed as a grandmother. I am Caucasian and as my daughter is Chinese she has gotten
Hurtful Comments like “how much did you cost” from other children when she was young. I of course know this prejudice comes from uninformed and
Uneducated parents and when able I have educated them
I have been told by a coworker in the past I was selfish but married people every day divorce and have problems
Once a clerk at a store asked me
Where I “found” her, when she was 3 years old
We’ve had many struggles since she was three with my health that have arisen unexpectedly
But we have an intact support system
That is always there for us
My daughter is now 17, an A student in high school (She is internally a very driven person) and is a wonderful person I am very proud to call my Daughter
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Thank you for sharing!
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This is a wonderful story of HOPE.
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I found your blog inspiring and exactly the encouragement I needed last year when I came upon it. I am happy to report that I am 9 weeks pregnant! Ivf. I had my first Obgyn visit this week. Ultrasound looked great. Then I met with midwife who presented me with all my testing options, which I’m not interested in because they upset me and add stress. I’m wondering if you could email and tell me how you handled the fact that as an older pregnant woman ( I’m 45) who used ivf you were watched more closely. I find it scary. I hate medical things. It’s quite amazing that I’ve done all this ivf stuff for 3 years. I’m looking forward to feeling better in the 2nd trimester because this pregnancy stuff is not for sissies. I’d appreciate your input and opinion as someone who has been where I am now. Many thanks. S.
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Hello Sally, I hope you remember me from Kings College. We actually took a trip to your uncle’s summer home in SC during one of our breaks. I read this blog of yours and just wanted to congratulate you. It’s so nice to hear good things have come to good people. I’m on Facebook if you’d like to look me up. I remember you lived in Shohola back in the day. Small world. I ended up in Dingmans Ferry and have been here for 30 some years! Again, nice to have found you and wish you well. Kathy
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Omg Kathy!!!! Of course I remember you! I’m from Milford and my mom still lives in shohola!!!
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Let me know when you come to town. Hopefully we can meet up and catch up!
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Thanks for following Peachyteachy! And way to represent Geezers Having Babies! I was 40, so you win, but still. . .
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I have been reading your blog ever since you started! I am now days away from my blood test. I’m too chickenshit to take a test at home because it could be negative and I just don’t need the bad juju. Thank you for starting this blog!
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I can’t tell you how much it means to me to get this kind of feedback! Thank you so much. There have been a few times that I’ve considered stopping, and then I get a lovely comment like this.
So, fingers crossed for the BEST JUJU!!! PLEASE let me know how it turns out for you. grayhairedmom@gmail.com
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Just at a time in life when I was starting to feel completely alone in the whole thought process of becoming an older Mom (I turn 50 on Jul 2nd), I find your site through Pinterest! HALLELUJAH! I was beginning to feel a little crazy for wanting this and guilty for being “selfish” as I’ve heard others accused of. THANK YOU SOOOOOO MUCH! Now I know it is possible. I’m looking at adoption but am a bit discouraged by the $ involved and the age restrictions of parents (my husband is 64). But NOW I’m NOT GIVING UP!
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Wow! Thank you so much for commenting! Please keep me posted (you can email me directly if you don’t want to make your comments on the site grayhairedmom@gmail.com
All the best!!!
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You are an inspiration. Hope I get there one day soon….
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Ahhhh thank you! I hope you do too!
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Of course it is not too old. I just do not envy you getting up at night, mine are all sleeping through…WooHoo!!!!
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We are getting there thank goodness! Thanks for the comment.
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I think it is sexy to see an older/gray haired pregnant mom! I saw one recently, and she glowed from head to toe and was not concerned about her striking gray. She was beautiful.
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My aunt went gray by about 30…it’s silvery and looks *great* on her.
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I’ll have to keep your blog in mind…I am 35 and haven’t had children yet due to health issues. I’m not sure if I’ll adopt or try to have one of my own. It’s just so frustrating when people ask about why I haven’t had kids or tell me I’d ‘better get started’! I’m glad to know that there are other people who understand.
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I can’t believe people still say things like that to someone without children. I don’t know how I would react! All the best to you!
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I’m in the Bible Belt, maybe that has something to do with it. I don’t know…but yes, it is rather annoying. It’s none of their business! Like the people who would go up to my sister and ask if her twins were the result of IVF…I would have wanted to slap someone!
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OMG, well, I spent a fair chunk of time in Conway Arkansas, so I’m familiar. So very very rude. I know some people were very curious as I started to show, and honestly, I knew that a few of the people who asked wanted to share a personal story with me….to tell me their experiences or of their problems with fertility. Those people, I loved that they asked me. But some others were just plain nosy parkers, and then I wished I had the nerve to slap them!
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When I was in my late 20’s people would always ask me why I wasn’t married yet. I couldn’t believe the nerve!!! People just don’t think!! I wasn’t about to marry the wrong man. I didn’t get married until I was 33 (almost 34) and my husband wanted to wait a year before we tried for a kid. I also got the kid questions. “Are you guys gonna have kids?” “When are you guys gonna have kids?” “Your not getting any younger”.
The years seemed to fly by and we debated what to do. My husband said he would be happy either way. At 36 we started to investigate more deeply about what was wrong. I first took a blood test, my fertility level was good. I then had an ultrasound to check for fibroids and they told me I had some but they didn’t look like they were big enough to cause problems. Then he did a sperm test and he checked out ok so my doctor sent me to RMA (reproductive medical associates) to do a test to check my tubes. That test was uncomfortable but worth it. The test showed that my tubes were fine but I had large fibroids. One was on the outside and actually larger than my uterus. They told me I had a couple on the inside and one on the outside. I had to have surgery, I did and it wasn’t bad. The doctor actually found another fibroid that was pressing against my right tube. We were told to start trying as soon as I felt up to it. By this time I was 39. All of the tests take time to schedule and I was frustrated because I didn’t expect to have to wait 3 months for one test and then I ended up having to wait 3 months for the surgery and then there were issues with my husband putting off his part. Anyways, we tried for a few months and nothing. I went on fertility medicine and did AI one month and found out I was pregnant a few weeks later. We haven’t told anyone yet, I am only 6 weeks. I just wanted to share my story so if you decide to go the route I did you would be aware of how long it can take. I will be 40 when the baby is born.
I love that it is becoming more common to wait and that women are telling their stories. I am so thankful to all the older moms that have gone before me, I want to thank them for being strong.
At some point the decision became wether I wanted to be an older mom, or never a mom.
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Thank you so much for sharing your story! Would you like to write a guest post or two along the way and keep us posted on your progress? All the best wishes to you and your expanding family!
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I love reading your blog, I have heaps of your old ones to go through and find them so real and honest. I am not an older parent but in a gay couple trying to have a baby and I know you read my blog, thank you so much for that. I don’t have a lot of followers but enjoy writing my story and I think its great reading other peoples stories. We are heading into our second cycle of IVF soon and after 10 IUI attempts and 1 IVF attempt and 2 failed pregnancies we are desperate to become parents. Thankfully being 32 and 27 we have time to become parents, we are just desperate for it to happen soon! Thanks again for sharing your blog with me and the rest of the world 🙂
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I love your blog, too. I’m always so happy to see a new post in my inbox! Half-way around the world and seemingly different lives, and yet, the desire to become parents brings people together, doesn’t it?
I can’t wait to hear/read wonderful news on your blog someday soon! All the best!
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I had my last at 40 and that was pushing my luck. If you are healthy well I guess it’s ok but not really fair to the child to have no one to relate to. Sometimes it is lard to relate to my youngest being 2 generations apart. Hard to understand the new stuff to our way of being raised.. Good Luck though. Be Well
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Dear Gray, a mutual friend told me all about your story. I was so inspired , not only because i think what you and your husband did, and are doing, to have a family is so incredible, I can also relate. I too met my husband later in life. I always knew i wanted to be a mother. we had to endure many years of obstacles(Dr’s,surgery,tests,IUI’s,ferttility drugs,) you name it,was not easy, put everything off the past year and a half due to no insurance!!! Im not giving up,i know me being a mom is still very much apart of me,even if im 47!
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I’m so thrilled to read this post! I’m so glad you found my blog. In ny there are programs for people whose insurance doesn’t cover IVF or for those who don’t have insurance. Are you in ny or have you researched these programs in your state? Please keep us posted on your progress. All the best!
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I have chills just reading this! I’m so excited for you! I’m going to email you directly with some tips.
You really have just made my day!
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Hi, my Husband and I were just told today that this is our only hope to have a child. I’m 42, but one of my levels is too high to try and attempt IVF(under 10% chance of a healthy embryo) I happened to see your post on WebMD and was thrilled. Congrats and I hope I have a similar story to share one day! 🙂
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Please keep me posted! I wish you the best of luck and email at any time with questions or if you just want to talk.
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Thank you! After reading about your experience and your success at Columbia, I made an appt for April 30th (1st one available) with Dr. Check. Anything that you might want to share, please do!! It’s a hike for us since we are presently living in NJ, but I like what I read about the program. We also have to pay entirely out- of- pocket so we want to try and go with the best program we can find.If you prefer to email, let me know. Hope you and your family are enjoying this beautiful day!
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Hi – you’re never too old and you’re never really financially secure enough – but so what! You just look at your beautiful baby and that’s what really matters. (by the way – we’re all gray haired moms under the hair dye!)
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hmmmm – are you really gray haired? ;>)
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I would be if not for Tina at Jude and Me salon on the Upper West Side! But I’m thinking of letting it all go now that I’m a full time stay at home mom…..
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Finn is the cutest little boy ever!!! I love my baby cousin!
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Great to read! And Love the logo!
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i think everyone can relate to the stress of everyday life but adding a baby into the mix is AMAZING . how do you do this?
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