The terrible twos vs. menopause

Menopause means never having to ask, “Is it cold in here?”

Thanks to perimenopause, I haven’t been cold in about 15 years. I’ve barely needed a Winter coat for the last five years. It has to be seriously cold out, at least in the 20s with a wind chill, before I feel it.

The Little Guy has entered a whole new realm of terrible two-ish-ness lately. Last week, I had to pick up a prescription at the pharmacy. I bundled him up in his snow pants, winter jacket, boots, gloves, and hat. I even put the stroller cover over The Little Guy to keep the wind from blowing in his face on the way. I had on capri yoga pants, a cotton t-shirt, and a light rain jacket (unlined).

It’s a two-block walk to the pharmacy up a slight hill, so of course by the time I pushed the stroller there, I was sweating even in the 20-degree weather. We stood on line for a few minutes, and then the pharmacist told us that our insurance company had declined to pay. She told me to call the toll-free number on back of my prescription card to see if I could find out what the problem was.

I had a few items (4 bars of soap, toothpaste, and shampoo) balanced on top of the stroller. I now had to dig into the diaper bag to find my wallet while trying to keep the items from falling on the ground. It was hot in the pharmacy, i.e., they had a little heat on because most normal humans would be cold. Sweat was starting to pour from my hairline and down the side of face onto my neck.

I finally found the card and then my cell phone. I called the 800 number and was promptly placed on hold. So now I’m balancing phone and items on the stroller. It was the perfect time for a Terrible Two moment.

The Little Guy kicked the stroller cover off until I finally gave up and took the whole thing off. He started trying to kick other people on line in front of us, so I had to move the stroller while holding the phone and the soap. Then he started bucking like he was riding a bronco, so I had to try to wedge the stroller against my hip to keep him from bucking all over the pharmacy. Still on hold. Starting to really work up a sweat now. Then he had a stroke of toddler genius. Who needs boots? He started to rip open the Velcro straps and take them off, along with his socks, and throw them on the ground. I bent down to pick them up, which was playing right into his master plan. He bucked the stroller, knocking the items to the ground, and kicked me in the side of the head. Luckily I was so sweaty, his bare foot glanced off my jaw without causing too much damage. One point for sweaty menopausal mommy!

Finally the insurance company rep made a huge mistake and took my call. I was as shocked as she was to realize that there was a human on the other end of the line. The Little Guy knew exactly what to do at this point, though. He started screaming bloody murder. I realized that, once again, I had been checkmated. I hung up, told the pharmacist I’d be back, picked up the soap, boots, and socks off the floor again, and headed for the door. I tried twice to put his boots back on, but he was not having it.

A couple of years ago, I probably would have gotten a little judgy had I seen a middle-aged woman with no coat on, sweat-stained and red-faced, pushing a barefoot toddler in a stroller in such frigid weather. Now I totally get it.

He won this round, but I live to fight and sweat another day!

Next time: My personal war on Christmas!

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