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He looks just like you!

September 13, 2012
Logo by Christine Hepner

The baby and I spent a lovely day with our friend this week. She is not a mom yet, but she hopes to be some day. She is also of a “certain” age, so she most likely would have to use an egg donor to conceive. So when she asked me this question, “Do you feel like he’s yours?,” I totally understood and appreciated where she was coming from. Maybe other people want to hear that answer too but just felt as is they shouldn’t ask. I’m happy to answer the question. I can’t imagine any baby feeling more like mine than F does. Do I think about the fact that genetically he is not related to me? Honestly, not much. I don’t ever intend to try to pretend to him or anyone else about the process we went through to conceive him. But I can’t imagine loving him more or feeling more like his mom than I do. I don’t have anything to compare it to, of course since he’s my first and only, so I’d love to hear from other moms who have both genetically related and non-related children. But I suspect the answers would be the same. I carried him for 10 months. (We’ve been lied to you, btw, most women are pregnant for about 40 weeks, give or take. I was never good at math, but 40 divided by 4 is within my capacity to divide. It’s 10, right?) I felt him kick and flutter and hiccup inside me all those weeks. I worried every day and rejoiced at every sonogram or doctor’s visit. But even if I didn’t carry him and he was placed in my arms today to raise, I can’t imagine loving him more than I do.

So, how have I handled the situation when someone has remarked that he looks just like me? Not well, I fear, so far. I think because I’ve decided to be completely open, I may go way too far over the oversharing line. I have had virtual strangers back away from me with horrified looks when I say, “Oh, thank you, but I’m in my early 50s so we used an egg donor, but he does look exactly like my husband at his age.” I realize that they were probably just making polite conversation and really didn’t need to know, but I also want to spare anyone any embarrassment.

And it really isn’t too far-fetched to think that he looks like me. After all, part of the process was to find a donor who resembled me. From her description, we do have the same hair and eye color, skin tone, and other features, as judged by our doctor and the egg donor coordinator at the clinic. The only difference is that she is tall (over 5′ 8″ with brothers well over 6 ft.). Yesterday, at F’s 15-month well baby visit, we were told that he is in the 99th percentile for height.

Now that’s going to be the fun question to answer in the future. My husband and his family would never be mistaken for an NBA team. My mother-in-law is petite, at under 5 ft. My husband is not tall. I’m 5’2″. If F’s height continues to increase at the current rate, we well may have a 6 ft.-something son. Let’s just say, he is going to stand out at the family reunions.

But maybe in the future the kindest thing to say when told he looks just like me is “Thank you.”

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3 Comments
  1. Kathy Stasiowski permalink

    We adopted our now 18-year-old son. When people commented that he looked like either one of us (he doesn’t), we just smiled and maybe said thanks (because it’s a compliment being compared to someone so cute!) If they ask where he gets his blue eyes or blond hair or whatever, the usual response is that it does run in the family (which it does). I don’t think people really want a genetics lesson. They’re just remarking on his remarkable good looks! =)

    Like

  2. Christine Hepner permalink

    Awww…Love you guys! Loved reading this! xxxx

    Like

  3. Margaret permalink

    Just for shits & giggles you could answer:..”Wow! Your right, he does,,,who would have thought? I never realized that before” …then walk away! It’ll keep them thinking all day!!! But that’s just me, I like to screw with people’s minds.

    Like

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